"Legitimate Other"
Conor O'Malley PCC
Executive Coach of leading from the heart as well as the head | Author | Ally for women in leadership | Advisory Board Member
The idea of the "legitimate other", which is an Ontological term, is to hold the person we are in a relationship with, a conversation with, a meeting with or simply in the presence of, as legitimate.
That is, they are legitimate human beings and linked to that, they believe their views are legitimate based on their beliefs, personal stories, life learning and experiences. We don't have to agree with them or even like them, however they are of the belief that what they are saying has legitimacy and that they are legitimate human beings.
If we can allow ourselves to hold them as legitimate in that context, I believe we "will listen with curiosity and the intent to understand" (Aytekin Tank, https://medium.com/swlh/how-to-be-a-better-listener-in-a-world-where-everyones-talking-5b271891b606), and be able to respectfully ask questions for clarity or even support them 'ground' what they are saying to have a more fruitful conversation.
I have found holding others as the "legitimate other" in all domains of my life, personally and professionally, helps me support others observe themselves and their environment to make wise choices leading to better results - however they determine 'better'.
#legitimateother
#observechooseact
Founder at Craig's Table- Recipient Summa Comp Laude 2021-22 Recipient Bloom Making a Difference Award 2023
2yConor O'Malley thank you, this is very insightful for me.
Leadership coach | helping CEO’s and executive teams transition to flourish
4yBeautiful Conor - this was one of the most significant learnings I took from DOC - to hold others (and one self) with deep respect, dignity and legitimacy -
Transformational Leadership Coach – Supporting aspiring and existing leaders become more effective leaders through leading from within and amplifying their impact | Being Profile Practitioner® | Accredited Thrive Coach
5yWhat a lovely reminder of the legitimate other Conor. Sometimes in life I think we get so caught up in our own stories, that we can easily forget someone else has a story too, and a right to share. In this sense the mood that we take into the conversation becomes so crucial to give others the voice they want and need to express.
Executive coach • ExCFO/COO • Cultivating self-empowered leadership and change agency in you, your team and your organisation, so you can deliver what matters most • 15 yrs coaching leaders on 6 continents
5yI agree Conor, #legitimateother is so important. When I began to train as a coach over 10 years ago, one of my teachers introduced me to the basic concept of a coach being a vehicle for taking someone from one place to another. And of course the vehicle has to go to where the coachee is - you can't 'pick them up' from where they aren't. From an ontological perspective this is a journey from one way of being to another way of being. My experience is that a deep, ontological listening to the coachee's way of being is what 'legitimate other' is about. So, for example, if we don't notice the assessments we might be making about the coachee's core concerns, we risk getting caught in our own interpretations rather staying in the listening for what is *their* way of being. In coaching there can be a pressure to deliver X in timeframe Y. For me, part of the skill for the coach is in staying in the 'drift' of being ok not having an answer or not knowing where the conversation is going to go. Paradoxically this letting go of the need for a result often produces great outcomes.